Subject: AN INTRIGIUNG QUESTION
Date: Saturday, May 30, 2009 3:16 PM

OK, I have a question fer ya'll. I've been thinkin about this a lot lately. While it's not a question of great importance, like th kinda thing one might query a Sage or Seer, or th Oracle of Delphi about, still, I'm curious. Here it is,

"Do ya suppose that's it's possible fer a human being, any human being, to eat an entire bag of popcorn without dropping one single kernel?"

Yeah, yeah, I know, but stop and think about it! Can it be done? Have you ever done it? How old were ya at th time? Where did it happen? Were there any witnesses? And if indeed there were, were they reliable? Did'ja contact these fools at Guinness's Book of World Records?

Personally, I don't think it can be done! I know I sure as fuck can't do it.

Subject: NEW E-MAIL ADDRESS
Date: Friday, May 29, 2009 2:38 PM

OK ya'll, my amigo Mike th G suggested/told me I needed to inform peoples that I have a new email address. I had thought I had already done that, or, even if I hadn't, that it was obvious. But fer those of ya that mighta missed it, just look at the top of this page.

Y'know, I have been sendin out my bilge usin my Webtv system fer th past 11 years, but due to a fuck-up amongst AT&T and Time Warner, my Webtv is outta commission now. Both of those asshole companies are blamin each other fer th mess. They each are sayin it's th other's fault. In th meantime tho, I am unable to access my Webtv. I have been meanin to keep a lotta stuff from there and transfer it to my Mac, but until I get all this issue cleared up, I am unable to do so.

I don't guess I gotta tell ya of th serious implications fer the Species if all that Knowledge and Wisdom were to be lost permanently, eh! I mean, ferget N. Korean nukes, th over throw of th Pakistani Govt. to a resurgent Taliban, th deterioratin situation in Afghanistan, th collapse of th American auto industry, th bailout of the financial system, th home mortgage crisis, gay marriage, Supreme Court nominees, fuckin Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, global warmin, th death of th Republican party, etc. All those minor issues will be taken care of eventually... but this!! Well, kids, this is serious biz, y'know!

So....fer those of ya, who've been keenly disappointed that ya've been unable to contact me; all is not lost, remember the above email address til then, Happy Trails,

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, this is th third time I've written this bit. Bein unfamiliar with th whole Mac world, not knowin how to operate it, fer some fuckin reason I keep wipin out everything I've written. Right now, I'm hopin I can finish this and send it off before before it once again goes POOF!!

Subject: LOSIN MONEY
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 2009 2:36 PM

Y'know, I've been losin money my whole life. I lose it around th crib, on th streets, in th taverns, y'know everywhere, all th time. Years ago, friends of mine, tired of listenin to me bitch about it, suggested/advised me to buy a wallet to keep my monies in. So, I took their advice and bought myself a nice leather wallet. It had all th bells and whistles one would expect in a high end money storage system. There were compartments for various cards and photos, and there was even a secret place, a hidden compartment that, y'unnerstan, I can't tell ya about. Security, y'dig! I mean, fuck, if peoples knew I had secret compartments in my wallet, sheeit, I'd be a target fer every big time stick-up dude out there!

But, as far as savin me money, my new wallet didn't reely help matters much, cuz, even tho my wallet was in my right rear pocket, I still kept my cash in my left rear pocket. Kinda stupid, huh! So, I've continued to keep on losin money outta my pockets, but sheeit, I mean, it's jus too much damn trouble to have to fish my wallet out every time I need some money, y'know what I mean?!

Like, jus this past Saturday nite, I lost some money in th poolroom. So, last nite I asked th bartender,

"Hey yo dude, did'ja guys happen to find some money, or did some good citizen turn in some money they found on th floor in th poolroom?"

He sez,

"So, ya lost some money, huh? Well, no one turned anything in. What makes ya think ya lost it in th poolroom?"

I said,

"Well, I know thas where it happened, cuz, like, I was puttin my quarters in th pool table, and one of em slipped outta my hand and hit th floor runnin, and I looked all over fer it but couldn't find it! "

He got a big frown on his face and gave me a kinda disgusted look and said,

"OK, hold on here a minute Charley, yer tellin me that ya lost a quarter in th poolroom Saturday nite! And yer wonderin if we found it? Or if somebody turned it in? Is that right?''

I replied,

"Thas right Ace! I'm glad yer up to speed. So, everything is startin to come into focus now, huh? Yer startin to comprendo what th situation is now?"

He sez,

"Oh fuck! Yeah, I see where yer comin from! Ya lost a quarter, but, looky here, no one has turned it in, but. hey, if they do, I'll let ya know fer sure, OK?! Sheeit! In th meantime I could front ya some, y'know, jus to tide ya over!"

And even tho I thought I detected a hint of sarcasm, I jus said,

"Thanks fer th offer dude, but I'll be OK. This has happened to me before. I'll get thru it"

But, as far as some one doin th right thing, yeah right, I'm not holdin my breath here tho, y'know what I mean. And y'know, th tragedy here is; that sombitch who stole my money doesn't realize, or, prolly even care, about th far reachin consequences of his knavery. He prolly doesn't even care that as a result of his thievery, th poor bartender isn't gonna get his usual tip tonite! Well, sheeit, I'm sorry, OK, but, what can I do? I mean, I know th dude's got three kids he's gotta support and all, but I'm outta luck my own bad self, y'dig. I know it's not fair, but sheeit, who ever said Life was fair!

I jus wanna say this to th perp,

''Hey dude, ya know who ya are; th scumbag whose got my money. Jus remember, that fer th rest of yer life, yer th one's whose gotta live with yerself. Yer th one whose gotta try and sleep at nite, knowin that some bartender's kids are goin without.....becuz of you!!''

See, I'm hopin mebbe I can shame that asshole into returnin my quarter, but, again, I ain't holdin my breath! Some peoples jus don't have no principles!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya know that bit about th guy havin to live with himself? Ha ha What a joke! Victims of crime always say that as tho they actually think th person is gonna feel bad about what they've done. I guess they think th guy is gonna lay awake at nite in his cell, and can't get to sleep becuz of th guilt he feels. Sheeit, he forgot about what he did five minutes later and will never give it another thought. But, th victim takes some comfort in that, as tho they're dealin with a normal person with normal feelings, instead of a sociopath who couldn't care less!

Subject: A GLOOMY DAY TURNS BRIGHTER
Date: Monday, May 25, 2009 7:31 PM

Good news for th long sufferin citizens of Kansas City. Today, opponents of our goofy fuckin mayors, that would be th Funkhouser Team, consistin of Mark and th ever present G-L-O-R-I-A, turned in enuff signatures to get a recall election. They needed 17,000 to accomplish this.

It's time fer this pathetic duo to hit th bricks and look fer a new hobby. Like, mebbe they should take up collectin stamps, or gardening......it doesn't matter....jus anything other than tryin to run a city. Thanks guys, but no mas,

OK! Altho Mr. Marky and th lovely Gloria Squitero have said that th ''peoples'' actually like him and th Missus, and it's only ''th Establishment'' who have a beef with em, I think that false reality balloon is about to pop right in their faces, and not a moment too soon as far as I'm concerned. And I don't think I'm bein premature here when I say,

"Adios mofo's and have a nice day! I hope ya have better luck with yer new adventure than this one but I'm afraid tho, based on yer performance here, that whatever ya decide to do......it's gonna turn to Shit! too

th cap'm

Subject: COUGHING ETIQUETTE IN THE THIRD MILLENNIUM
Date: Monday, May 25, 2009 2:38 PM

A helpful tip from th Fitness and Well Being Guru, Cap'm Dreck.

OK ya'll, this hint is mainly fer th old codgers and broads of th 2nd Millennium. Y'know, th 'olden days', Ya younger folks prolly are already hip to this. See, boyz n gurlz, when we were growin up, our Momma's always told us to, ''cover yer mouth when ya cough.'' That way ya didn't spray yer germs on to others who might be in yer vicinity. Of course, what ya did do, was use that polluted hand to shake other peoples hands, touch door knobs, handle money, etc. Everything ya touched now had traces of yer germs on them. So, other than not directly contaminatin those in yer immediate area, lotsa other peoples suffered from, "second hand germs''. And today, studies have confirmed that those germs are jus as harmful to yer health, as those applied directly. See what I'm gettin at?

And today, bein a new Millennium and all, after a lotta research and development, we enjoy a new, radical Cough Suppression System that makes a whole lot more sense. Ask yer doctor if this system will work for you? He'll hip ya to it. Ya old-timers needs to pay attention here. See, here's what we do now is; one coughs into th crook of yer arm. Yeah, thas right. Ya heard me! Now I'm sure there are some old traditionalist out there sayin,

''Do what? 'What th fu....?"

but stop and think about it fer a sec. How often in th course of yer normal daily activities are gonna involve ya stickin th crook on yer elbow in some one else's face? Now, take notice I said, ''normal'' cuz ya might have some leanins in that direction, and I'm not makin any judgements here. I mean, to each his own, and if ya should come across another individual so inclined, well, I hopes yer very happy together. But fer th rest of us, yer advances would polly be greeted by somthin like,

''Please Sir/Madam, but do desist, as I find your proclivities to be most odious in the extreme!"

or, more likely,

"Get th fuck away from me ya fuckin prevert!"

But, any way, by employin this system, ya will leave yer nasty germs mostly on yer own body in an area not usually accessable to those ya might come in contact with. OK?!

Hey, and as long as we're rappin bout coughin, as a little side note, this whole ''Gott zund heit'' or, en Engles, "God bless you!" business; talk about antiquated nonsense! Sheeit. Y'know like, fr'instance, how ya can be standin in line at th supermarket and sneeze, and half a dozen complete strangers in yer area will say,

''Gezundheit!'' See, this silly crap started back hundreds of years ago back in th Dark Ages, when it was thought that when one sneezed ya left yerself vulnerable; that is, that evil spirits or demons, like th Devil hisself, could enter yer body, and that by invokin God, they were thwarted in their evil plans jus long enuff to keep ya safe from bein 'possessed'. Thas why they say it each time ya sneeze, cus th protection doesn't last very long. It's kinda humorous cus a person such as myself, who suffers from allergies, and may sneeze 10-15 times in a row, kinda puts em to th test. Like, after th 5th, 6th Gezundheit, they kinda lose interest; they figure, "Fuck! I tried!" and go on about their business.

OK, ya'll, so here we be's in this Third Millennium, and we're riddin ourselves of these old antique, obsolete ways of dealin with things. Aw'right! So, no more coughin into th palm of yer hand.....and no more ''Gezundheits'' either!!

th cap'm

Subject: MEMORIAL DAY
Date: Monday, May 25, 2009 3:43 AM

OK ya'll, as many of you may recall, I wrote this back in 2000, and have been sending it out over the Memorial Day Holiday ever since. I do it as a small tribute to Benedicto Flores, or simply, Uncle Benny, as I knew him. But more than Uncle Benny, It's also my small part in remembering all those others who served their country in the Armed Services. Thanks for bearing with me.

---------------------------------------

"A couple of days ago I read a book concerning an american POW of the Japanese. Today, being Memorial Day and all, and having just finished that book, got me to thinking about my Uncle Benny. Benedicto Flores that is, of San Antonio, Texas, who died Nov. 14th, 1992.

My mother came from a large Mexican Catholic family of sixteen, of whom 14 survived to adulthood. There were originally eight hermanos and eight hermanas. During the war the Flores family had all seven of it's boys served (one having died in early childhood) during the Second World War. I may be wrong, but I don't think there's another american family who can claim that distinction. They all did their duty. Three served in combat in Europe and four in the Pacific. Though some were wounded, all survived.

As a kid in the late 40's and 50's, watching movies like the 'Sands of Iwo Jima' and other war movies of the time I always used to try and get my uncles to tell me about their 'war adventures' as I thought of them, but none of them would ever do so. Like so many others who had been in actual combat, they had no desire to relive those terrible experiences and then to share them with a 12 year old. It was tacitly understood, that you didn't even mention it to Uncle Benny.
When I was growing up, my Dad was a career Air Force officer and so, because of frequent transfers, we moved around a lot and were only able to make it to San Antonio to visit all my uncles and aunts there in between my Dad's assignments. And because there were so many of them. and time was always limited, we were not able to spend very much time with them individually, so I never was able to develop the normal relationships with my aunts and uncles and cousins, etc, most families enjoy, but I always looked forward to seeing Benny. I thought about Uncle Benny today.

You see, back in 1941, Uncle Benny, already being in the Army before hostilities broke out, had the misfortune of being stationed in the Philippines at the time. As you know, after Pearl Harbor, the Japanese struck swiftly throughout S.E.Asia with alarming success, overwhelming all opposition.

As the Japanese invaded the Philippines, the American and Filipino troops there, under the command of Gen. Douglas McArthur, were woefully unprepared. After some resistance, McArthur and his Command Staff, seeing the hopelessness of the situation, were evacuated by submarine to Australia, (thereby forever earning for himself the dubious nickname of, "Dugout Doug" in the minds of those left behind) leaving Gen. Johnathon Wainwright in command.

After months of heroic, but futile resistance, subsisting on reduced rations for months, with almost no ammunition or medical supplies, the out-gunned, out-numbered allied forces with no air cover and no chance of re-supply or re-enforcements were finally forced to surrender.

Uncle Benny, along with 18,000 other POWs. already malnourished and in poor physical health, was forced to march 100 miles with virtually no food or water to a former American Army post called Camp O'Donnell. The infamous Bataan Death March ensued. Prisoners, unable to sustain the brutal pace were beaten, bayoneted, beheaded, and executed for the duration of the entire march.
8,000 of them died on the way. Only 10,000 survived the brutal march and made it to the camp, weakened and barely alive. Uncle Benny was one of them.

For the next three and a half years they were worked and starved and beaten to death by their captors. Living conditions were unbelievably harsh and brutal. The daily death rate was appalling. Every day, the Japanese commandant would arbitrarily select a few men to be executed. Near the end of the war there were only two thousand left. Uncle Benny was one of them.

At this time the Japanese decided to transfer these remaining survivors to the Japanese home islands. They were loaded on to two transport ships, each holding a thousand POWs apiece. Conditions on these ships were indescribably inhumane. Prisoners died standing on their feet and remained there because they were packed in so tightly, there was no room to fall down.

Tragically, in one of those inexplicable misfortunes of War, while en route to Japan, the ship Uncle Benny was on was bombed, strafed and sunk by American planes, the pilots completely unaware of their precious cargoes as the ships were not marked in any way. Of the thousand POWs on Benny's ship, only fifty of them survived. Uncle Benny was one of them.

At wars end, Uncle Benny weighed just seventy pounds; he was nothing but a skeleton. He looked like a survivor of Auschwitz. In situations like that, the only people who survive are the STRONG. The WEAK, though maybe the Best, most Humane, and Moral of people, do not survive. Only the Strongest survive! Uncle Benny was one of those.

After recovering in the hospital for many months, eventually Benny was discharged and moved back home, into the house on 1100 Denver St. in San Antonio where he was born. He remained there th rest of his life until his death back in '92. He was a life-long solitary bachelor and in spite of a life of trials and tribulations, he remained a life-long devout and faithful member of St. Gerard's Parish. Uncle Benny subsisted on the meagre proceeds from a second hand furniture store he owned. He was a heavy drinker his whole life. And, who can blame him? He endured horrors we cannot even imagine.

Yet, he was always a low-keyed, mild mannered man around us. He had quiet, sad eyes, and he often times seemed lost in thought and a bit unfocused, as though he was someplace else. I could never imagine him being mad about anything, because he was always so kind and gentle around us, but on the other hand, he always seemed to be getting out of some minor scrape with the law. (that was one of the things I liked about him haha) I used to ask him how he got that black eye, or this bump or that bump, but he would just laugh shyly and dismiss it and say it was nothing. No matter! I couldn't care less! I think that whatever minor transgressions Benny may have committed in his life, are forever expiated by the unimaginable Living Hell he lived through for three and a half years.

In retrospect, as I got older, I suspect Benny was a lot madder than I would have ever believed. I think he had kept his Anger, and Resentment bottled up and hidden from others. I don't think any of us realized the extent of the painful memories of Man's Inhumanity to his Fellow Man he carried within himself for the rest of his life. After all, Uncle Benny had witnessed at first hand this Cruelty every single day for three and a half years! I don't think he was ever able to reconcile and come to terms with that. And maybe too, on top of everything else, he felt GUILT. As many do in situations, where... they wonder?... why they lived? Against all odds?.... when so many others around them died?! "Why Me?" I think that burden weighed heavily on him for his entire life.

For many years now, when I think about Benny, I wish I could have sat down as an adult in my own right, with Benedicto Flores and gotten to know him as a Man, as the Man he really was... and not the notion I have of him as, "Uncle Benny, my favorite uncle", but as Benedicto Flores, a genuine American Hero, who deserves to be remembered with the utmost Love and Respect. I wish I had been there for Uncle Benny, when he needed some one to be there for him, like he was there for US, from March 42' til Aug. 45'. I wish I had had the privilege and honor to have known him better!

When Uncle Benny died back in 92', they didn't discover his body until several days later. He had become a solitary recluse. The utilities had been long turned off. He had sat in the darkness, drinking his muscatel and gave in one night. He was apparently just another reclusive wino... dying alone and forgotten.... amidst the detritus and clutter surrounding him. The circumstances of his death were, and still are.. sooo Sad. It was inexcusable. Where were we?

Uncle Benny? Where was I? Where were the rest of us when you needed Someone? Your government, your family, your friends? You, who endured so much pain and heartache on our behalf, died alone and forgotten like one of the discarded, worn out pieces of furniture in your store? I'm so sorry Uncle Benny; We all let you down. And now, it's too late to tell you how much we owed you and how much you meant to us!

Ironically, a few days after his death they found a hand written Will Uncle Benny had left, leaving TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND dollars in cash, CASH mind you, to the Pope! And $124,000 in real estate to the Church, and yet he died seemingly destitute and penniless. This old broken down wino veteran still remembered his Church!

A couple of years later, family members received a statement from the Vatican acknowledging Receipt of same. And altho they acknowledged receipt, I guess their mothers apparently never taught them any manners because the sunsabitches forgot to say, "Thank you."
(which rankles me to this very day)

the cap't

Subject: DICK CHENEYL MAD MAN!
Date: Friday, May 22, 2009 7:17 PM

I mean, seriously, is this fuckin guy insane, or what? What in th world is he doin? From Obama's first day in office, he hasn't shut up. He has been promulgating the same lies and bullshit we heard fer th last eight fuckin years. On and on and on. Non-stop. No other former President or Vice President has ever acted like him before. Hell, I thought at Al Gore had a legitimate gripe in 2000, since, even tho he won th popular vote by a half million votes, he still lost th election. But, to his credit, he didn't whine and snivel about it at every opportunity. He didn't throw bricks at th incomin administration; he let it go. Losers in presidential politics have always shown that courtesy to new incoming administrations. But not this fucknut!

Th man simply has no class whatsoever! In an administration rife with classlessness, he was th top dwag. Oh sure, he had competition, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Libby, Rove, etc. But sheeit, even Bush himself has had th decency to leave office and quietly retire, altho I'm not entirely sure whether he did it out of a sense of what is right or wrong, or whether he's jus hiding out in shame, but in any case, he has kept silent. But Cheney is still out there, tryin to protect his sorry assed, indefensible legacy. And I'm thinkin he's doin it cuz he feels like th policies he's defendin are HIS POLICIES...... not Bush's.

It's certainly easy to see and to understand better th accusations that Cheney was always th real Power and that Bush was a mere figurehead. Why else has he taken it upon himself to try and justify th lies and deranged policies of th last eight years unless he thought of them as HIS policies? His unapologetic defense of Torture as a means to an end. As a matter of policy! A view that runs counter to American values and culture. A view held by no other high official even when we were engaged in an all out war for global domination with th Germans and th Japanese. At th end of said war we actually executed some Japanese as 'war criminals' for these same acts, but Dick Cheney thinks they're jus fine!

Thas th way this guy's mind works. Not reely surprising that he thought we had some kind of right to invade Iraq. And th fact that we now know th whole justification was under false pretenses, has never stopped his insistence on claimin that th war was in fact justified. To this day he keeps connectin Saddam Hussein to Al Quida in spite of th fact he may be th only person on th planet who still believes that, th fuckin Idiot.

When asked about th fact that no WMD were ever found there, th ostensible reason for our invasion, he sez,

"So what!"

A minor detail, don'cha see! " SO WHAT" Those two words pretty much typify his whole attitude when confronted with his colossal mistakes. He can't be bothered with pesky little inconveniences like facts. Never mind th thousands of American dead and wounded, th hundreds of thousands of Iraqi men, women, and children daed, th hundreds of billions of dollars wasted, th global reputation of th US, "So what!"

"Th world is a safer place now without Saddam Hussein."

Sheeit! Is there anybody who reely still believes that? Was it worth it? What did we accomplish? I don't know anybody personally who has lost a family member or friend (I'm not counting here guys I know who have served there, because they all do, of course) over there, but I can't see how they would think it was worth it? Are there peoples out there sayin, "They died for Iraqi Democracy." Yeah, I know, we got rid of a dictator, but big fuckin deal. So what? What about all th other dictators of th world, in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Syria, Cambodia, Congo, N. Korea, China, on and on. All over th world. There's plenty more of em out there. Is it our role to eliminate tyranny in th world? Nah, I don't think so either.

Dick Cheney, Mindless, Clueless, Evil Megalomaniac! Th man has no shame whatsoever. And he should. He oughtta go hide in shame in a cave somewhere, a setting he should feel right at home in! At th very least, he should jus shut th fuck up and go home and shoot some one in
th face. Thas how he chills ya know!!!

th cap'm

Subject: ACT OF DESPERATION
Date: Thursday, May 21, 2009 3:36 PM

Ya musta noticed in the recent past that th Star had pretty much given up tryin to compete with all th other sources of news out there. I mean, when ya give over a third of th front page to show a color photo of th pig that won th State Fair....or, likewise, a photo of a bunch of teenagers celebratin th openin of the high school football season.....well it's pretty obvious, eh! Th New Yawk Times or th Washington Post don't put no pigs on their front pages!

As a matter of fact, th Star jus recently admitted their inability to compete there, and surrenderd th field. So, what ya got now, is a hometown paper, highlighten local news. And, since local TV news only tells us who got murdered last night, and also reports of clouds with possible rotation comin outta Colorado, I guess they saw a niche there, a vacancy of sorts.

Ya also noticed, I'm sure, and th guys in th advertisin dept. sure hoped ya noticed, those little stick-on ads they have been puttin on th front page. Well now, in a pathetic act of desperation, I noticed in Sunday's (5/17) paper they have printed an ad fer Target right there along th bottom of th page. No more, stick-ons....now they'll print yer ad right there on th fuckin front page!! I suppose if this trend continues, soon, possibly with th exception of th headline, th entire front page will consist of ads. We'll prolly have to go to page 3, fer some hardhittin news, like, what our fucknut of a mayor has done next. And of course, possibly an excitin account of jus what transpired in th latest City council meeting.

Sheeeit! It pisses me off, cuz I remember, many years ago, when th Star used to be a decent, respectable rag. These days it's not good fer much more than linin yer kitty litter box! I wouldn't be at all surprised, to see th print edition of th star completely gone within five years! Yeah, yeah, I know...with Change; things are different, (ya might wanna jot that down fer future reference) but...fer some things, I still like th old ways! I still prefer to read th news myself, instead of havin Katie Couric read it for me!

------------------------------------------------

Do ya recall last week where the University of Arizona refused to give President Obama an honorary degree when he spoke at their commencement. Yep, they said he hadn't accomplished enuff yet; that his "body of work" wasn't sufficient to merit this prestigious and prized award. Yeah, all that laggard has accomplished was to become President of th most powerful country on th planet!! A job which only one out of 300 million peoples in this country has! But, still......not enuff to meet th high standards of UA. University of Arizona! This is a a school whose reputation is based almost entirely on it's ''high partying factor". Sheeit! Gimme a fuckin break, eh!

th cap'm

Subject: FORCED HIATUS
Date: Thursday, May 21, 2009 1:18 PM

OK ya'll, perhaps ya noticed I haven't been around much lately, and if ya written me anything I haven't responded. Thas cuz, without goin into a lotta detail, I haven't been able to access my Webtv. Those fuckers at Time Warner and and AT&T screwed up my system and I can't access it now. Each one of th assholes blame th other, but it reely doesn't matter whose fault it is, cuz I can't use th damn thing now!

Last week I spent literally hours and hours hasslin with both of em. I talked with more than a dozen different peoples and was on hold fer easily an hour-and-a-half. Several times I was disconnected which left me sputterin in Rage! I'm tellin ya Duke, I was, and remain...one pissed off dude!

In th meantime I bought this here Mac and am still tryin to figure out how to use it. In spite of th obvious superiority of this over my Webtv, I find myself wishin i'd jus left well enuff alone. I sure hope things get better cuz it was one fuck of a lot easier to write on that, than this!! It's ridiculous how much time it's taken me to write this little bit here. All I can say is, "SHEEIT!" or Oh yeah, I'm not sure if i got everybody's address or not, so , so if I missed ya, well jus lemme know. A simple message will do, y'know, like,

"Yo cap'm,.. what th fu...?

And one other thing, if ya should see things done here like a clodhopper might do, don't make fun of me, aw'right! Think of it like this: there was an old coot who had been crop dusting using an old WW 2 piston-engined bi-plane, and then one day, ya plopped him in th cockpit of an F-22 Raptor and said,

"Aw'right old-timer, take care of that north 40 today!"

See what I mean?!

th cap'm

P.S. I was keenly disappointed to discover that that nice pleasant breeze I've been experiencing lately, was in fact nothin but th collective sigh of relief from some peoples who welcomed th break from my blatherings. Sigh!

Subject: Trouble In Paradise
Date: Sunday, May 17, 2009 2:39 AM

OK ya'll, without goin into any detail, I've been in a hassle with AT&T and Time Warner. Too hard to explain, but th end result is my Webtv, from which I'm writin ya right now, hasn't been workin. Both of these corporate assholes are blamin each other, but neither one of em can solve th problema. It's jus too fuckin ridiculous!

In th meantime, I'm without! It worked briefly yesterday for about 20 minutes, and then clicked off, not to return! But fer some inexplicable reason.... it's workin right now fer th moment, so, I'm gettin this message out while I can. So, if ya don't hear from me fer a while, ya know whas goin on!

th cap'm

P.S. IF YA CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT, STAY AWAY FROM BOTH THESE BUSINESSES.THEY'RE BOTH ASSHOLES OF TH FIRST MAGNITUDE!

Subject: I Didn't Do It! It Wasn't Me!
Date: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 4:08 AM

Say ya'll, If ya should happen to read a book called, Our Vietnam, the War 1945-1975 by A. J. Langguth, when ya come to th section concernin th Me Lei Massacre on page 499, it says, and I quote,

"When Charlie Hutto's M-60 machine gun got too heavy for him, he traded weapons with Esequiel Torres. Hutto took Torres rifle and they went on shooting Vietnamese."

That was not this Charlie Hutto. Nope! I have never been to Vietnam.Th closest this Charlie Hutto came to Vietnam was in 1953-54 when I was in the 7th grade on Okinawa and th only thing I was shootin at that time was yer Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. And I wanta tell ya, many an Okinawan sparrow's life was spared due to my inability to hit anything.

My reputation spread far and wide in the avian community. They didn't give me any respect at all. It finally got to th point where I had Bbs whizzing through th leaves and branches with twigs fallin all over th place, and th birds would jus nonchalantly sit there, singin and warbling and flitting about, y'know, doin their "bird thing" and say,

"No big deal. It's jus Charlie Hutto. Sheeit, he couldn't hit th broadside of a barn with that thing!" and pay no further attention to me.

It used to really bug me...hell, it still bugs me! One of these days I'm gonna' go back to Okinawa and look up some of those critters and say, "Remember me? charley hutto, 1954?" and start blastin away with my TEC 9.

th capt.

Subject: To Secede or Not To Secede?
Date: Friday, May 8, 2009 7:11 PM

Y'know, with all this talk of secession among th Lunatics goin on out there, in places like Texas fr'instance, jus fer th hell of it mind ya, what if,,,,,,? Y'know, what if.... th Central Government decided that, instead of tryin their sorry asses fer Treason, they jus said,

''Fuck you and th cows ya rode in on! Adios mutherfuckers and Good riddance!"

And they let em leave. Good enuff, right?! But hold on to yer horses Duke, cuz then...what if......well, what if some of th peoples in th New Republic of Texas, say, in San Antonio, fr'instance, decided they didn't want no part of no R.O.T.

What if,

''Remember The Alamo''

became their new rallyin cry, but in a different context from th old slogan of th same name. haha And then,

''Fuck th Gringos''

replaced,

''In God We Trust''

on their new coins. OK, ya with me so far? But then, in some sections of New Improved San Antonio, th largely black residents there didn't want no part of no such tomfoolery and so, wanted to have their own country too! A place where they wouldn't be bothered by no Texicans or Mexicans either one!

Y'see, boyz n gurlz, once ya open that can of worms, things can get easily outta hand.Y'dig! It becomes pretty darned fuckin difficult to gather up all those worms and get em all back in th can! So, what ya do when ya get a can of worms like that is; ya find ya a Steamroller and ya roll right over em! And then, to make sure ya've stifled any dissent among these pesky, disgruntled trouble makers, ya make a few passes over em again. Jus to be sure!! Voila! Problema es vamos!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Godless Coin
Date: Friday, May 8, 2009 1:15 PM

OK, OK ya'll, whoa! I knew this was bullshit. I knew that it was false to begin with, but that was beside th point, because there are those who believe it to be true and then pass on utter nonsense like this as tho it would make any fuckin difference, even if it was true! Do ya see what I mean!? Th utter Absurdity of it all!

I had deleted all th countless other idiots who had read it and then dutifully passed it on so as to warn every one of th approachin Apocalypse that would result if we didn't all join ranks and fight this Evil!

So, like, a lotta youse took th trouble to check with Snopes, et al, and wrote me to tell me it was all bullshit. And tho it was unnecessary, thas cool; I do appreciate it. If everyone would take th one minute to check crap like this before jus blindly passin it on, well, then we wouldn't be subjected to as much bullshit as we are daily.

On th other hand, it would reduce th number of things I can rant about too. So y'see, boyz n gurlz, like everything, there's a trade-off, eh!

th cap'm

P.S. And by th way, I'm always open to bein corrected if I'm wrong about somthin! But of course, as ya all know, that kinda thing happens so infrequently as to make th whole suggestion kinda moot, eh! lol But, what th hell, go ahead, give it yer best shot; fire way! Ha ha

Subject: ''The Beginning Of The End''
Date: Friday, May 8, 2009 12:06 PM

Remember, how in many of th early horror films, that was th dire ending. Th notion was there that th catastrophe you had jus watched, was only a harbinger of th future annihilation of Everything as we know it! Well, I jus received a warning similar to this a few minutes ago. Check this out.

--------------------------

Subject: FW: It Has Begun....... REFUSE NEW COINS (it's That beginning! cd)

REFUSE NEW COINS

This simple action will make a strong statement. (don't let this snub go un-noticed cd)

Please help do this... Refuse to accept these when they are handed to you. (absolutely do not let one of these pagan coins sully yer hands and yer spiritual well being. cd)

I received one from the Post Office as change and I asked for a dollar bill instead. (with a similar reaction from every one, we can all help save America. cd)

The lady just smiled and said, "way to go," so she had read this email. (stand up and be counted. cd)

Please help out...our world is in enough trouble without this too!!! (no shit Jose, I mean, what are Wars, Disease, Famine, Tyranny, global depression and so on? mere trivialities and nuisances compared to this! cd)

U.S.Government to Release New Dollar Coins

You guessed it,

IN GOD WE TRUST' IS GONE!!! (remember that warning in th title. This is th part in American history where th fat lady finally sings. cd)

If ever there was a reason to boycott something, THIS IS IT!!!! (sometimes riots in th streets are can be used fer th cause of Good! cd)

DO NOT ACCEPT THE NEW DOLLAR COINS AS CHANGE. (if some godless mofo tries to lay one of these on ya, it would be perfectly acceptable to assault their heathen ass and put em in th hospital. Please, Help Save America! cd)

Together we can force them out of circulation. (otherwise, we are all DOOMED! Doomed I tell ya! Otherwise it will mean th End of America cd!)

Please send to all on your mailing list!!! (ya notice, I'm doin my part. now th ball is in in yer court. whas it gonna be? Salvation..or..Annihilation? it's up to You!! cd)
____________________

I find it pretty amusin that peoples think that their God, in spite of bein a Supernatural, All Powerful Being, capable of creating th entire Universe, is sooo touchy and sensitive to th slightest slight, that he would rain down Disasters and Retribution on this country fer th simple removal of his name from a fookin coin!!!! I mean, really!!

th cap'm

Subject: Are You Ready To Celebrate?
Date: Tuesday, May 5, 2009 1:47 PM

OK kids, it's that time of th year again. Get out yer party hats and horns and confetti and stuff like that, cus it's time to get down and dirty.

IT'S CINCO DE MAYO TIME!

See... ya got yer St. Patty's Day fer th bog-runners, and St. Joseph's Day fer th paisans, and Mardi Gras fer th mentally retarded, and now it's our turn. Y'know, yer next door neighbors to th South. Remember us?! We give you guys all th dope ya can consume, and th occasional disease jus to keep ya on yer toes.... and all we ask in return is; yer money... yer guns.... and a place to live. Sheeit hombre, is that askin too much!?

OK, time fer th History of th occasion. (scuse me, but this is funny; I was jus interrupted by my old amigo, Tommy th D, outta Houston, Texas, makin a snide remark about my ''annual Cinco de Mayo'' message lol) OK, never mind Tommy fer th moment; don't make th mistake of callin this a celebration of Mexican Independence Day, cuz it's not!! OK! It's a common misconception. Thas a different day, comprende?

Sheeit, I got into a big argument about this fallacy one night with a Chicano dude, who kept tellin me he was Mexican...so...he oughta know! I throughly agreed with im that he oughta know! But that he was fuckin wrong and th shame of it was that he oughta know th history of his own country better than a gringo in a tavern. (''gringo'' an affectionate term Mexicans use to describe their Norte Americano brethern)

See, like, what happened was; on Sept. 16, 1810, a Father Hidalgo rang th bells of his church callin on everyone to fight for liberty and freedom from their long time Spanish Oppressors, thus starting th ten year long Independence War. So, y'see, SEPTEMBER 16 th is Mexican Independence Day, aw'right!

Now, lets fast forward a few years to May 5th, 1862, when a Mexican army of 4,000 troops defeated a superior French force of 8,000 men at th village of Puebla. Olé!! Thas what this celebration is actually about; that victory, not Independence. And altho this happened on may 5th, Mexicans insist on callin it Cinco de Mayo fer some reason! Quien sabe eh?

OK, so....I'm reiterating this point, jus in case ya haven't been payin attention fer th last 11 years. So...lets all get out there tonite and drink some tequila and get smashed in celebration of May 5th.... or, if ya prefer...... Cinco de Mayo.

SALUD!!

El Capitano

Subject: Those Damned Liberals
Date: Tuesday, May 5, 2009 2:51 AM

Below is my latest ranting, "letter to the editor." People like this fuckin Idiot crack me up. This goofy woman talked about how Bush kept us safe during his 8 years in office. And ya hear this same bullshit from other fuckin Idiots! And they jus act like on 9/11; that Bush wasn't anywhere around or responsible in any kinda way. They act like, 9/11 didn't count. They say,

"Bush kept us safe!"

because nothing happened after that date, sheeit, but they jus ignore the fact that neither he, nor any of th other peoples in his Administration, kept us safe on that particular day, did they? They were all asleep at th wheel, had their heads up their asses, didn't have a clue, in spite of specific warnings that something was goin down.

Now, there's no denyin that since 9/11, we haven't had another attack, at least not here in this country, if ya don't count th Anthrax attacks, so I'm not opposed to givin im credit fer that, but, godammit, let's don't act like 9/11 happened in some kind of vacuum, cus th shit Did hit th fan on that day.... on his watch!! It wasn't on Clinton's, or his ol man's....... it was on his!!

And then, vis a vis th Torture thing; ya know there's gotta be some Japanese guys rollin around in their graves goin,

''Hey, what th fuck? Ya fuckin Hypocrites!!''

wonderin why they were executed fer ''War Crimes'', as in waterboarding, while we, th executors, get to do th same fuckin thing today with impunity! Fuck!!! Well, anyway, below is my letter!

--------------------------

''Ms Hugunin wrote on 5/02/09, ''It is incredible to me that liberals can ignore the fact that our country was safe from terrorism for eight years under the Bush administration.''

What is incredible to me is how she and others of her ilk can just conveniently ignore the fact that the Worst Act of Terrorism inflicted on this country happened DURING the eight years of the Bush administration itself. Who exactly does she think was President on Sept. 11, 2001? Has she forgotten that pesky little counterpoint to her ridiculous assertion? Or does she think that one, little minor incident doesn't count? I guess we just forget that one, and start th clock on Sept. 12th, huh!?

And by the way, those ''enhanced interrogation techniques'' she laments are, ''now outlawed''; obviously she's not aware that TORTURE was already outlawed, but Bush and his cohorts chose to ignore International Laws against such Barbarism, which we ourselves were instrumental in enacting. I'll bet Ms Hugunin is still angry that those darned liberals hounded poor Dick Nixon, another great man, out of office for no good reason whatsoever! I guess there's just no Justice for the Neo-Cons of the world, huh?!''

-----------------------

She's entitled to her opinion of course, but, sheeit, when ya got yer head up yer ass, it makes it kinda difficult to see whas goin on, doesn't it?!

th cap'm

Subject: Searchin For Satori
Date: Monday, May 4, 2009 4:40 AM

Ya'know boyz n gurlz, there are many paths that can be trod in th search fer Enlightenment, eh. Some paths go East, some West, some go right thru th cookoo's nest. But th trick is in choosin th correct one. Some peoples recommend Meditation and Chanting in their endeavors.

OHMMMMMMmmmmm!

Thas OK as far as it goes I guess, but looky here, I've always found some good pharmaceuticals to be not only more highly (highly, get it?) effective, but a helluva lot faster too!! Ferget all that energy and time consuming trudging up this path and down that one. Fuck that! Jus drop yerself a hit of some good Sandoz and ya'll be gettin all th Enlightenment ya can handle fer about 12 hours. You'll be Connecting and findin yerself One with th Universe and Everything. You'll find yerself discoverin th ''Meaning Of It All'' and th sheer Wonderment of it will have ya sayin stuff like, "WOW!'' a lot!! Ya ever observe a person sittin there in th Lotus position Meditating ever say,

''WOWWW!! Far Fucking Out!''

Nah, I don't think so either!

Hey! And speakin of Enlightenment, in these, what future generations will refer to as, ''The Dark Times''; it's kinda weird isn't it, cus, like, back about 10 years ago, no one ever dreamed we'd be in this kinda doomsday nightmare this early in this Third Millennium! That wasn't what th Future was supposed to hold fer us huh! It was supposed to be a New Millennium, a New Age of Hope and Optimism, and then, suddenly, everything went Awry! Th Four Horsemen took off at a gallop! Curses! Leave it to that bitch Dame Fortuna to put th kibosh on our rosy visions, eh!

And, check this; I wonder jus how Nostradamus, y'know, th Great Sage and Predictor missed this one huh? His fookin dim-wit followers seem to think he had his finger on th pulse of everything. They're always quoting some obscure passage which they say predicted this, that, and th other. Ya woulda thought a world wide depression mighta popped up somewhere. How could that have slipped by th Seer? Sheeit, I'm sure there must be a quatrain floatin around out there somewhere sayin somethin like,

''When the Will of the people/
sends th Decider out to pasture/
and before th Nubian comes to power/
everything will turn to Shit''

Nostradamus! Sheeit! Gimme a break! But, what th hell, don't underestimate th Stupidity of some peoples. Like, out there in California, pilgrims are goin to a diner to see th Virgin Mary on a waffle griddle! Ha ha. Yeah, no shit! Th paper said hundreds of followers were travelin to this fuckin diner to see this apparition! I mean, how fuckin goofy can ya get?

So, to all those pious fucknuts, I got a question fer ya; like, if th Virgin Mary was gonna make a surprise appearance, do ya reely think she would decide to do it by way of a vague, indistinct stain on a waffle griddle? Huh? Do ya reely? Whew! Ese, thas jus too fuckin much!!!

Now, if ya could point out one of those Nostradamus quatrains some place where he had predicted that, well, I might have to tone down my scepticism a notch or two, but in th meantime, I say BALDERDASH!

th cap'm

Subject: Mac Or PC?
Date: Saturday, May 2, 2009 4:11 PM

OK ya'll, whadda-ya think? I'm gettin ready to cross that bridge to th 21st Century. So, I'm wonderin; th age-old question Homo-Sapien has been askin ever since we first dropped outta th trees on to th savannah; whatz'it gonna be, a $500 dollar PC or a $1,000 Mac? I heard good, but conflicting advice both ways.

Th Mac is obviously more expensive, eh, but I was told it was easier to operate, which would be important fer a clodhopper such as moi, and that it would last longer (at my age, not so sure how important that is) ... and... and this is also very important to me, that it wasn't vulnerable to viruses! I couldn't handle that. Thas one of th nice things about this Webtv; simple tho it may be, it is totally impervious to viruses, so I've never spent a minute dealin with those kinda hassles over th years I've been usin it.

But, on th other hand, I was also told that bein th caveman I still am, that a Dell, fr'instance, would be more than adequate fer th likes of my ilk. Havin already used this Webtv fer th last 11 years, which is about as primitive an electronic device as in existence, i'm inclined to think there's some validity to that school of thought. I'm told a Mac would be Over-Kill fer a bozo like me.

I dunno... whadda youse guys think?

th cap'm

Subject: Men Are Such Cads, eh!
Date: Thursday, April 30, 2009 7:28 PM

Last nite I was rappin with this gurl and she was tellin me all her woes vis a vis her former boyfriend. Oh what a low life he was!! He was jus horrid. But she told me th thing that pissed her off th most, th worst thing he did; after she told im to take a hike, when he finally left he packed up all his things....but....
he took her dildo with him. (GASP) Th Cur!!

I commiserated with her. I said,

"Oh you poor thing! Thas terrible! How ever did you survive?"

She said,

"Thanks! It wasn't easy, I can tell you that!!''

OK, so dudes, looky here, be a gentleman, huh! Th next time ya break up with yer gurlfriend, be a square shooter and don't be a ''dildo-snatcher''; leave th dildo behind! OK?!''

th cap'm

Subject: Say What!! What In Th Fuck Is Goin On?
Date: Tuesday, April 28, 2009 12:49 PM

Arlen Specter, long time politician and Republican stalwart, sez he's gonna switch parties; become a Democrat! This gives ya some idea of how far th Republicans have dropped, when a guy like Arlen Spector decides there is no longer a political future with th bunch of clowns th Republicans have become. I'm sure Nancy Reagan had no idea her little, trite, anti-drug phrase,

''Just say No'' would become th rallying cry and central position of th Republican Party some day. Seemingly their raison d'etre.

------------------------

It is inconceivable to me that some one approved th flyin of a large plane, followed by 2 F-16 fighters, as tho they were in pursuit, over th city of New Yawk!! For a photo-op!! Without botherin to inform any one that what they were seein, wasn't another terrorist attack! Are you kiddin me?!

I don't believe their bullshit explanation of a ''photo-shoot'' fer one fookin second! There's gotta be some other reason fer that kinda Insanity, but my imagination is not good enuff to conceive jus what it could possibly be! In any case, whoever approved that Madness needs to be fired Yesterday, and possibly committed to a facility some place where they will no longer be a danger to Society! How could anyone be so completely oblivious to th effect that would have on any one witnessin it?

------------------------

Gosh darn it all to heck; accordin to Fox News, if Obama's policies don't doom us first, we're all gonna die of swine flu!

-------------------------

Capt. Hoohah/Duderino, notorious Luddite, was seen yesterday loiterin around that bridge, y'know, that bridge to th 21st Century, th Third Millennium Bridge. Word on th Street is that he is contemplatin th purchase of an actual computer, as opposed to th primitive device he currently employs. Th world changes, eh? Adapt or perish. First Arlen Spector, then th Cap'm. Whas next, flyin pigs? Stay tuned boyz n gurlz!

Subject: Ooooh, That Smell!
Date: Monday, April 27, 2009 5:14 AM

Th smell that wouldn't go away! This is a tale of Horror and Terror. And it could happen to you too boyz n gurlz. So...heed this story well. Take th time, do th research, know what yer gettin before ya cop yer after-shave lotion.

It began last week. I had a couple of half dollars that I was tryin to tarnish on purpose. I was tryin to duplicate th effect of my dime earring. See, I've got this 1941 Mercury-head dime earring I've told ya about before. This is th one I've lost and found (thanks St. Anthony) several times. But what I did, and I have on idea how I accomplished this years ago, but I managed to get th dime to tarnish to th point where it became completely black. Then I polished only th profile of Mercury's head so that it stands out in sharp contrast to th black background y'see. So, it gives it a kinda cameo effect and makes fer a distinctive and unique earring. No one else has one of these.

So...I decided to try and duplicate that effect with a couple half-dollars I have, one Kennedy, one Ben Franklin, but this time as a necklace, not an earring. Twould be a mite heavy fer th ears, y'see. I had been told that some alcohol would speed up th tarnishin process. But in searchin th crib, I didn't have any alcohol around. But I did find a box of old Avon after-shave bottles I bought at a garage sale many years ago, and one of th bottles was a brown, boot-shaped bottle that was half full of what was called, ''Avon Leather''. I thought,

''Well sheeit, this after-shave must have a lot of alcohol in it.''

So I took th thing and filled up half of a cup with it. And dropped th two half-dollars in there to soak and hopefully tarnish. Now this after-shave had a particularly sharp, pungent throughly unpleasant aroma about it. I can't imagine why in th fuck any one woulda ever bought any of this crap to begin with; it's like somethin a two-dollar whore might be awash in, y'know, a reely cheap, tawdry, over powering kinda smell!

I sat th cup on a counter in th kitchen and returned to my livin quarters here on th sofa, but as I was tryin to read, I could still catch whiffs of that after-shave, so I took it and sat it in a spare bedroom and closed th door.

Th next day, I took it back in th kitchen to check it out, but th coins hadn't tarnished even slightly. Curses! So I reached into th cup and retrieved th coins, turnin em over to check both sides. While I was foolin around I accidentally knocked th cup over spillin th after-shave all over th counter, so I got some picker-upper and soaked it all up and tossed th soaked towel-ette in th trash.

By now, it was time fer me to get out into th nite and assume my spot in th tavern, so I sat th coins on th end table next to th sofa, but my hands smelled like that damned after-shave so I washed em with some baking powder to kill th odor. Then, after abusin some substances, I headed up to th saloon, but on th way, I could still small that stuff on my hands. It was not only powerful but godammed awful. Th whole car reeked and I had to roll th window down cus I couldn't stand th smell. I thought about all th peoples I smell who walk by and seemed to have bathed in what ever odiferous crap they're wearin, oblivious to th fact that they jus plain Stink! Period! And ya can smell em from 10 feet away.

And so, not wantin to be that person...when I got to th bar, I didn't speak or greet any body, but headed straight to th kitchen to wash my hands again. Th bartender came in and saw me and said,

''Yo Charley, what in th hell are ya doin?"

cuz my hands were all lathered up and I looked like a doc preppin myself fer an operation. I said,

''What th hell does it look like I'm doin? Trollin fer Marlin? I'm washin my hands, OK!?''

Then after washin vigorously, I went in th bar, sat and ordered my brew, and after a few minutes, I couldn't help but notice that smell again. Damn! So I went back in th kitchen fer another session....went back out to th bar, and after a few minutes... and I'll be damned but there it was again! Still! So I went back in th kitchen and was washin feverishly once more and th same bartender happened to come in and saw me again and shook his head and he jus said,

"Yeah, I know, yer washin yer hands."

''Thas right Ace. Good eye!''

Aw'right, so about an hour later I was rappin with this gurl and she started sniff sniffin and stuff, y'know, and she said,

''Gee Charley, whas goin on? I never knew you to wear cologne before! What is that?"

And I said,

''Godamit, I'm not wearin cologne!! This is some crap I spilled on myself, OK!''

And I got up and went back to th kitchen fer some more washin. This time I figured if th bartender saw me washin my hands fer th fourth time, I'd jus tell im I was obsessive/compulsive and be done with it.

Well anyway, I got back to th crib around 3:30 and as soon as I opened th door my olfactory organ was brutally assaulted. My whole crib reeked of ''Avon Leather'', and my nasal passages OD'd. Ten Thousand Curses. Damn! Fuck! Shit, Mutherfucker! I took th coins and th cup and picked th paper towel outta th trash and wrapped em up in a towel and put that in a plastic bag, tied it and sealed it, and sat th whole steeenkeeng mess out on th porch. But as I tried to get to sleep I noticed that th end table th coins had been sittin on had acquired that odor too. I couldn't escape it. There was nothin I could do and no where I could hide, so... I did two heavy duty pain pills to jus knock myself out. I dreamed I died and went to Hell and no sooner had I arrived and they dumped a whole barrel of ''Avon Leather'' on me! It was a nightmare Duke!!

And then, th next day, I could still smell it. It had permeated my world!

Everything I had touched when I was polluted had acquired th odor. This god-awful smell took four days to finally fade away. The End!! But I'm not so sure it's over...cuz now....sometimes..... early in th morn, when it's quiet, before even th birds have woken up, I think I can sense th merest whiff, but I'm not sure if I actually do...or if my mind is jus playin tricks on me.

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, if ya happen to know of a method of tarnishin silver, without havin to summon some Demons, or if it doesnt involve any after-shave lotion, lemme know, will ya!

Subject: Th Luster Fades; Doubt Creeps In
Date: Sunday, April 26, 2009 10:53 PM

Y'know kidz, as I told ya a few days ago, I was so thrilled to finally get flames put on my own ride. I was sooo elated! It's jus somethin I always wanted to do. I've been lookin at kustom cars fer 50 years thinkin that one day I was gonna do that myself. That I was gonna have some flames put on my own ride! But now that I have; now that I look at th finished product, I dunno!

I've been havin some second thoughts on th flame job. In spite of my initial enthusiasm I'm not so sure that it was a good idea now or not? Fer some reason it didn't turn out th way I had imagined it to. I'm wonderin if in fact, it doesn't detract from th smooth, natural, elegant lines of th car? Y'know, th low, sleek, shark-like profile. I'm wonderin now if I shouldn't have jus left well enough alone? I'm wonderin now if that money couldn't have been better spent on some other aspect of th car, i.e. lake pipes fr'instance? I wonder?

th cap'm

P. S. Actor David Hasslehoff said, ''I do have a great relationship with God..... He helped me when I had a drinking problem... He helped me through my divorce. He helped me through big decisions on the Knight Rider series.''
Ha ha Inspiritual huh! Yeah David, I'll bet he reely liked Baywatch too!

Subject: Exciting News
Date: Thursday, April 23, 2009 3:56 PM

Ok kids, check this out. I have a kinda unique car. It's a 1999 Cadillac “Fleetwood Limited.” Cadillac sub-contracted out th manufacture of this vehicle to th Superior Coach Co, outta Lima, Ohio. It is basically an extended Sedan DeVille, cuz th body was lengthened by a foot, so it has a huge amount of room in th back seat. So, while it's not a limousine, an NFL defensive line man would have plenty of room there. Likewise, an NBA center. So it's perfect in it's role fer runnin my Ms. Daisy about town in. Even tho she's only about 4' 7'' tall it makes it very easy for her to get in and out of. And theres enuff room in th trunk fer a half dozen wheelchairs.

But besides th extension of th frame, it's most unique feature is; they only made em fer two years, '98 and '99, and they only made 467 of em!! Thas all! They're not very common, y'see! Last week, I happened to see another one; but it was th only other one I've ever seen here in KC in th last three years since I bought mine.

Perhaps ya recall, back in February, I had some fookin mook, who was rappin on his cell phone at th time, rear-ended me while I was stopped in traffic. Did some damage to th rear end. Th peoples who did th repair work somehow lost one of th fender skirts while they were repairin it. When I heard that, I went ballistic. Th shop foreman told me it was no big deal; that they would replace it. I told im,

''Where in th fuck do ya think yer gonna find another one? They only made 467 of these cars with th fender skirts and that was ten fookin years ago!!"

But he assured me they'd find one; from th factory, th internet, a salvage yard... who knows, but he assured me they would find one somewhere. I said,

"Sheeit dude, no fuckin way yer gonna find another one!!''

So, he called me back about a week later and said,

''Well Mr. Hoohah, I'm sorry but we can't find another fender skirt fer yer car!! We've looked everywhere; th factory didn't have any, no salvage yards had one, none on th internet either.''

And not bein an I-told-ya-so-kinda-guy, I immediately told im,

"Well, I told ya that a week ago dude!! So..whadda ya gonna do now?"

What they hadda do was; literally make me another one! It took em 5 fookin weeks! I jus got it put back on last Wednesday!

OK, OK, so here's where th excitin news I told ya about earlier comes in. Since I bought th car three years ago I've done a few things to make it a bit more distinctive. I had th windows tinted to give it a dark menacin look, (th car itself is a deep, dark blue, almost black) I modified th grill to distinguish it from other Caddys, I put some 'FlowMaster' mufflers on it to give it a low, throaty kinda rumble, I put on a pair of spotlights, like th old custom cars of th 50's, I put on some custom, low profile wheels to replace th regular wheels and also dropped th car a couple inches in th process and I had some modest pin-stripin done a while back on th hood and trunk.

And so yesterday, fer th coup de grasse, I had some flames put on th sides emanatin from th wheel wells. I have always wanted some flames on my ride since they first came on th scene in th mid 50's... and now, in my late 60's...Voila... my life-long dream has finally come true. OK, whadda I tell ya; is this excitin news or what, boyz n gurlz!!?

th cap'm

P.S. Another example of th ancient Chinese Philosopher who said, ''All things come to th Patient Man." And altho th ancient Chinese Philosophers were all very Ancient and Wise, the were not Politically Correct yet. These things take time, y'see.

Subject:A Faux Pas?
Date: Thursday, April 23, 2009 2:07 AM

I was at a party a couple of nights ago and I was standin at this buffet and had jus skewered a small chunk of meat and was about to administer some kind of exotic sauce there, and th bottle said, ''Shake well before using''. So, what th hell. I did!

And I was standin there shakin and I noticed some peoples were watchin me and snickerin and carryin on, and I heard this one friend of mine laffin and tell this gurl,

"Oh, thas just th Cap'm!"

See, th thing is; th bottle didn't say exactly how long yer supposed to shake, and then I heard someone else say,

"Yo cap'm, is that some kinda new dance yer doin there?"

and this elicited several hearty guffaws from th crowd. So, not reely bein cognizant of proper etiquette, I jus stood there grinnin and shakin, and shrugged my shoulders, but I had th disquieting feeling I had committed some kind of social gaffe. What is th proper procedure? I mean, jus how fookin long are ya supposed to shake anyway? And do ya shake yer whole body? Or jus yer upper torso or what? Are ya supposed to do th hokey-pokey, th boog-a-loo, or what?

Bein a non-dancin, ill coordinated oaf anyway, I must say I felt pretty darned foolish. Sheeit, they oughta put some kind of disclaimer on that bottle, y'know, something to th effect,

"If you can't even do the makarena, fuggedabout even tryin this!"

But on th other hand, bein th kind of guy who doesn't question Authority or anything like that; cuz y'know what a stickler I am when it comes to th Rules, I was simply followin instructions, y'dig, cuz thas jus th kinda guy I am! No rebel here! But, ya'd think tho that they could be a bit more specific-- "Shake Well''. I mean, dig it, thas pretty vague, don'cha think? And so, several days later, I'm still wonderin,

"WHY? What's it all about Alfie?''

I mean, I eat lotsa other stuff and I don't have to shake to do it. So... what's th deal here anyway? I'm tellin ya, th next time tho, when I'm in a public place and encounter a situation similar to that, I'm jus gonna stick to th basics. Don't need no fancy condiments! Maybe jus have some mustard instead. Don't gotta be doin no shakin to have ya some mustard either!!!

th cap'm

P.S. Naomi Campbell, and I quote,

''I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.''

You go, gurl!